i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
