apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
