I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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