I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
