she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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