both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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