Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
