i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
