I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I need a beard to bite.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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