Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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