i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
