Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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