4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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