She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
