You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
