Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
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Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
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The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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