Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
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then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
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Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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