i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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