You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Randomize
