Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I can't trust your balls anymore.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
