My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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