I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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