Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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