Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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