Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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