i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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