Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
