I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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