I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
