Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
