Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
