I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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