how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
