i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
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