Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
