just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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