You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
