It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
