Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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