my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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