I think I won the penis lottery.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
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