Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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