Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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