I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
