so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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