if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
