I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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