nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
