Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
