i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
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well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
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His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
So vagazzling was a success
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.