You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
