How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
