Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
