so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
