morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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