The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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