my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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