I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
