My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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