Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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