why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
