We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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